May Day

The jewelry trunk show at Two Tulips was a lot of fun! I sold 17 pieces, mostly to store employees, and from a salon that is around the corner from the store. I posted photos on my facebook page and sold another piece to an IBMer that is in Austin within an hour. That was pretty cool. Also, one of the customers in Indiana decided she wanted one of the more expensive pieces after I had brought it home, so I am shipping it back!
I've still been thinking about the past, quite a bit. I am not sure why. Perhaps it has been reconnecting with people that I thought I would never see or hear from again. There is something rather profound about thinking about a person or a thing and having them or it manifest right before your eyes. Putting thoughts into the universe, praying, meditating, whatever you want to call it - positive out = positive in. The same goes for negativity. I am trying that same thing with the facial pain - trying not to dwell on it and trying to remember what it felt like before the problem. Most mornings I wake up thinking it's gone, only to be reminded that it's not. I realize how difficult it is to put things like that in the back of your mind when it is also ever present.
Still wrestling with loneliness although I am not really doing much of anything to address it. Not until I acknowledge it and take action can it even be dealt with. I know that, but don't seem to have the energy to tackle it.
Still wrestling with a certain amount of anger seeing how family situations are unfolding. How someone doing what they see as the right thing and being betrayed, having their whole way of life turned upside down and it not being from their own actions. Who deserves that? How much anger can I hold on to without it effecting me, and for what? It does not serve me well in any way, but it's something, again, that seems to be always in the background. I know time may be the biggest healer here, but I am not ready to forgive. My fear is that I won't find it within myself to forgive.
It's been a long Saturday - and it's still early evening. The cat is a little sickly. I know she senses my moods and she even pets me when I am holding her. She's old and sweet - and I am the "crazy cat lady" or a close second!
The wind is still and it looks like we may get a nice tame thunderstorm and rain. I am going to take a chair out onto the covered porch and enjoy the smell of the rain with the freshly cut grass.
Think I may go to church tomorrow. There is a Lutheran church that seems to be a good fit based on what I hear; an open community. It's more of a reconnection that I need I think.
When I am down, I need to look around. I am blessed - more than I can imagine and need to remind myself of that fact. Blessed is so many ways - I need to work on being thankful.
Here comes the rain! I'll close today with words from an old Amy Grant song that I recently heard - the chorus seems to fit well:
the same sun that melts the wax can harden clay
and the same rain that drowns the rat, will grow the hay
and the mighty wind that knocks us down, if we lean into will drive our fears away.

Another Late Night Post

I'm trying to be better about posting, but I always seem to forget my password or what email I have this blog set up under. At any rate - trying to stay with it for a while.
My jewelry trunk show is coming up quickly. I leave for Indiana in just a couple of days and I am still making new pieces for the show. I hope it goes well. I am excited to see Sharon and her new place and spend some time with her!
I'm starting to feel a little better, but am by no means over whatever is wrong with my jaw. At least I am not in constant pain anymore. Just when I try to eat or drink anything is the only time it reminds me that it's still there! Whatever "it" is...
Debbie, Nicole, and Josh came over yesterday and helped me get some much overdue cleaning done. Debbie and Nicole stayed to help with some assembly of some necklaces and Debbie took the seed-beader home with her and got a lot of prep work done to help me make some cool but less expensive pieces for the show.
I'm trying some knotting with multiple strand of seed beads and really like the results so far.
Still fighting the feeling of loneliness. Heard from an old friend from 13 years ago yesterday. It got me thinking about all of the things I miss from that time in my life as well as all of the things I am glad are in the past for me.
I have the feeling that my posts may have a dark mood to them, but I am hoping that's just because of where my head is right now and that things are going to change for the better, and soon.
Not much else. It's time to say good night and try to make a commitment to continue writing.

Technically - Post-Easter

It's been an interesting weekend. I slept a lot but actually managed to get some major things done.
I completed the first section of the Professional Organizers Certification course and will email the course work tomorrow. There was quite a bit of reading, but it was all very interesting.
Have been thinking a lot lately about being alone and trying to not let that invade my thoughts too much. Not sure whether it's due to the medication I am on or if it's just another cycle where being alone gives way to feeling lonely. It's not so much that I am missing affection as it is I feel like I am missing the physical part of connecting with someone. Not even in a sexual way, but more just the intimacy.
It's all a little perplexing because I do enjoy my personal space and can feel smothered pretty easily.
Also, I was hoping after six months in a new place I would at least have a new friend or two, but that just hasn't happened. It's not that I haven't met a couple of new people, just no one to hang around with or to connect with. The people that I have met have their own lives or are much younger than I am, etc.
Not feeling well for much of the past two months hasn't helped. There is a lot of external stress and things that are far beyond my control, yet effect me because they effect the people that I love.
I probably need to go to church. I've been having a lack of faith. When I see people trying to do the right thing and yet nothing works out for them it makes me wonder where God is in all of this. I also feel like I need to be the hero and I can't be the hero. I don't feel like I have the tools or the means to help so I do nothing, or just spin my wheels and worry.
I also need to set some goals for myself. I don't have any concrete goals that are life affirming or life changing in place, and I am really feeling the need for change in my life.
As if moving to a new place wasn't enough of a change. I feel like that is more of a constant more than a change.
I do really miss my best friend. It seems to me over the past couple of months we have not been in touch with one another as often. It's as much my fault - actually it's not a "fault" thing, it just is. And I know I can do something about it. I just need to make more of an effort.
I know there is something else out there for me. I don't know what it is, so I don't know that I would recognize it if it was to land in my lap. There's a lack of accomplishment that I feel in general, and that's more prevalent than usual.
Writing this blog is one way I am hoping to get things out of my head and in front of me. Perhaps I will stumble on something that just needs to be articulated.
It's late, time to sleep, tomorrow will march on ready or not, and I would rather be ready than not.

And so it begins...

Welcome to my blog. With this project I hope to share on some regular basis things going on in my life, observations, opinions, from the major to the mundane. I also hope to use the venue as a way to share some of my writing and character studies as I hone my playwriting skills. Please follow me on my journey!